The Wreckage of the Narcissist

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  The Wreckage of the Narcissist Photo by  Marek Piwnicki  on  Unsplash Narcissism is insidious. Here you are cruising through life on a highway and things are going pretty good. There is the odd curve every now and then but it’s no problem for you to navigate through them. You feel quite confident you have this life driving thing figured out. Then one day you meet someone who creates this whirlwind of a situation when you first get together. It’s exciting, it makes you feel alive and excited. Your car is now speeding on that highway, but boy does it feel good to throw caution to the wind and push down that gas pedal. After a while, they start growing complacent with their ‘be on best behavior so the little potholes in the road that were there when they were testing you in the beginning have now turned almost crater like from their random temper outbursts. Still, the potholes aren’t all that common and you can typically steer around them, so you aren’t bothered by those red flags too m

Why is there an addiction to narcissistic partners?

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Why is there an addiction to narcissistic partners?

This is just my personal theory on the topic as I’ve thought a lot about variances of this question and my own situation. This is what I have come up with as to why: 

Enmeshment - enmeshment often gets spoken about from the abusers perspective. Where they purposefully inject themselves into someone else's life and take control and influence over everything and using it as a means to isolate them from their supports. There is a different version of enmeshment that occurs with narcissism that has the narcissist get their significant other into all of the aspects within the narcissists life. So, they assign them duties and tasks that are integrated right into the narcissists life. These keep getting added on as the relationship continues and more and more of these aspects of the narcissists life becomes the significant others responsibility.

It can get to the point where the significant other has no time at all for the things they would like to do or see and are constantly in some way shape or form catering to the narcissist’s whims. As these aspects become more dominant in the significant others life they begin to identify with these tasks and with the identity of the narcissist. 

In the end, when the breakup finally occurs it feels like your soul is crushed along with your heart - suddenly these things that you identified with and made up a part of your self are ripped away and you feel despair and a desire to get back that which was taken. Losing your identity is one of the hardest things for someone that hasn’t been through it to understand what it feels like or how it happens. Its a gradual process of consuming your time until all you do is centered around that other person. When taken away it is extremely painful because now you have nothing but empty space and time where before you were run off your feet and couldn’t find a minute to think.  It all adds into this loss of yourself when with them and that is painful when it first becomes apparent how much of yourself you had lost in the relationship. 

Addictiveness - there is a lot to be said for the bouncing up and down with the highs and lows of a relationship with a narcissist. The chemicals released as a stress response of adrenaline and cortisol in conjunction with the relief you feel during the calm periods and you get your dose of oxytocin, vasopressin, dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin. In fact, the attraction and bonding that happens in the downtime lights up the same areas of the brain as an addict who takes a hit of cocaine. 

 These dopamine signaling pathways get fired up as we become addicted/emotionally dependent on our partners. Addicts in withdrawal have the same sort of craving from a brains perspective as a love struck couple craving the presence of their significant other when they are unable to see them. So, as these patterns emerge and when tension is up -you are getting a dose of cortisol and adrenaline and when tension is down you are getting a dose of the other chemicals, then you start to become dependent on them. 

They get released in larger doses and in cycles of up and down thus creating a pattern of high dosing frequently. Suddenly removing that other person from your life and that chemical balance your body has grown accustomed to is suddenly thrown into a lurch and you essentially experience withdrawal. In regular relationships where these two elements are not present to the extreme - that is you keep your sense of identity in tact and there is no constant up and down cycles. 

The chemicals in your body stay more normalized and you incorporate the person into your life but they don’t become the focal point so when you breakup you don't have that same sense of loss and withdrawal. In a normal breakup you can move on without feeling like you’re presiding over your own funeral. Its normal. In a narcissistic relationship’s end, you really are a chronic addict withdrawing while you stand over the grave of your former self watching as the shovels of dirt get thrown in . Its quite horrific and painful.

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