Acceptance: It is what it is
Betrayal. Betrayal is hard to accept. It’s hard to get past when you know what you’ve been through and you can’t articulate it in a way that really provides the weight of the gravity and a sense of the urgency that the situation truly should call for.
You find out that no one cares what happened to you. No one cares how wrong it was, or how illegal it was. They just want you to shut up so they don’t have to hear about it.
So you found yourself discriminated against, you were shunned, you were isolated, and were systematically picked apart by the very people that you should have been able to trust. Then, after it all if you try to explain it to anyone you’re further isolated by their invalidation and inability to understand the true magnitude of what you’d been through.
It amounts to a total betrayal by everyone you knew and the idea of having to let it go and let those people get away with it is a near crippling feeling as you then feel like you are betraying yourself on top of it all because not even you will stand up for yourself.
Any attempts you’ve made to get some sort of justice was greeted by a stone wall, it was greeted by an iron hand that said ‘nope’ and it showed you that you have literally no ability to affect change because you are nothing in this world. You are a poor peasant without the wealth to exact the type of justice that is required so you are stuck trying to use a system that doesn’t care about a story that is too fantastic to believe.
You can’t really even tell anyone about it because the enormity and the absurdness of it all seems so unbelievable in your own mind that the idea of trying to articulate it to someone seems like the fastest way to the nut house that you could ever undertake.
At the end of it all — the hardest thing to do is look back at the course of things and see that all of that self destruction was because you wouldn’t leave. It was because you couldn’t let go. You subjected yourself to endless torture and in the end you are broke, your career is ruined, your life is shattered and they simply walk away and move on to the next one.
It’s disgusting behavior. You feel so enraged you think about doing things you’d never have considered before. You feel angry and you feel like being the punisher, going out and getting justice where the system let you down. Then, you think about how everything was so easily foiled that you tried to launch for a defense up to that point. You realize that there is no point in fighting because you’re out classed, out gunned, and you’re unable to effect change.
This anger then needs to get pushed deep down. Deeper than anything you’ve ever had to push. It’s the only way to keep it from consuming you. Self loathing then floods in as you feel like such a worthless and pathetic gnat that couldn’t even defend themselves. Depression floods in as you realize you are powerless and are at the mercy of everyone else because they always hold the power and you’re always on the bottom.
They wield power like kids wielding toys but this power seriously affects lives. It seriously damages people in a way that I’m not sure is repairable. How do you repair the feeling of pointlessness in fighting because you know it’ll only hurt twice as bad if you do. Its better just to take the hits and not say anything because they’ll just beat you twice as bad if you dare say ‘no’.
There is a feeling of self betrayal, a feeling of despair, and feeling of pointlessness that comes at this point. You realize that your place in this world is to taken advantage of, taken for granted, and treated like crap simply because you’re dumb enough to care.
Well, I don’t care anymore.
They beat it out of me.