The Wreckage of the Narcissist Photo by Marek Piwnicki on Unsplash Narcissism is insidious. Here you are cruising through life on a highway and things are going pretty good. There is the odd curve every now and then but it’s no problem for you to navigate through them. You feel quite confident you have this life driving thing figured out. Then one day you meet someone who creates this whirlwind of a situation when you first get together. It’s exciting, it makes you feel alive and excited. Your car is now speeding on that highway, but boy does it feel good to throw caution to the wind and push down that gas pedal. After a while, they start growing complacent with their ‘be on best behavior so the little potholes in the road that were there when they were testing you in the beginning have now turned almost crater like from their random temper outbursts. Still, the potholes aren’t all that common and you can typically steer around them, so you aren’t bothered by those red flags too m
How is a narcissist affected by someone who rejects them romantically?
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How is a narcissist affected by someone who rejects them romantically?
I have a slightly different take on this one than most people. Usually, people believe that narcissists think that they're God's gift to the earth which they do create that aura around them. They do talk like they believe it and they do act like they believe it.
So as a result, people believe that why narcissists react so horribly to the rejection of a romantic interest is because they cannot accept that somebody wouldn't want them. I believe it's the other way around.
I believe that for the vast majority of narcissists their fear of rejection is rooted in their childhood. They are actually hurt when they're acting this way because it actually touches a core wound of theirs around rejection. It touches that wound around why they actually have low self-esteem and don't believe in themselves. This is the true route of why they can't let it go.
The other ones are the ones that are so grandiose that they actually believe their own press. They don't care if you walk away. To them that just made you unworthy and inferior. This would have just begun a valuation cycle that ended in disgust for you.
No, the ones that can't let it go can't let it go because it touches on a core wound. It touches on their vulnerability and they're very first rejection. It's a form of abandonment anxiety.
Where the crux of this is though is that narcissists tend to be able to rewrite history in their heads. So, they will fabricate a reason why you are the cause of their pain and depression. They will look at the evidence and they will see that there is truth to all of the evidence, but they will look at it in the worst possible context for you and the best possible context for them. In doing so they commit to memory of version of events that has you responsible for their current plight.
It's a process of looking at what evidence is available that proves their case and then their narrative will embrace those truths but in a context that is absolutely atrocious for you and they will believe it, because the evidence is there. It just might omit some important facts and perspective of yours.
So the root of them and their actions after a rejection are based in abandonment trauma or a form of it. It comes from a childhood core wound of not being good enough for their caregivers as they were. All literature supports the fact that they have an underlying low self-esteem. I don't know why people think that anything that they do is the result of them thinking that they're better than anybody, it's as a result of them lashing out because of their vulnerability being hit.
Everything comes down to an avoidance of pain and a desire to never be made a victim. They don't ever want to be a victim. So with their skewed perspective and maybe with a touch of sadism they will make sure that they are the winner. They will make sure that you are the one that has less than because they will not ever be okay with feeling like someone took from them and left them helpless to affect change.
That is their core wound and that is what they will defend to the dying breath. It literally feels like they are dying because when they're rejection occurred it was at a point where they were literally at risk for dying. It activates that fear and self-loathing they got from that experience. Narcissism is a defensive adaptation it just has a very offensive defense.
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