The Wreckage of the Narcissist Photo by Marek Piwnicki on Unsplash Narcissism is insidious. Here you are cruising through life on a highway and things are going pretty good. There is the odd curve every now and then but it’s no problem for you to navigate through them. You feel quite confident you have this life driving thing figured out. Then one day you meet someone who creates this whirlwind of a situation when you first get together. It’s exciting, it makes you feel alive and excited. Your car is now speeding on that highway, but boy does it feel good to throw caution to the wind and push down that gas pedal. After a while, they start growing complacent with their ‘be on best behavior so the little potholes in the road that were there when they were testing you in the beginning have now turned almost crater like from their random temper outbursts. Still, the potholes aren’t all that common and you can typically steer around them, so you aren’t bothered by those red flags too m
One of the hardest things to get past with one of these narcissistic relationships is understanding how this person that you thought you knew suddenly became so cold, callous, and uncaring.
They were somebody who seemed to be fully engaged in the relationship days before, was now devoid of compassion, and was outwardly showing that they couldn’t care less about you. In fact, the last time you went out together, it seemed as though there weren’t any issues to you at all because you both seemed so happy.
Often your first real look at reality comes when you reach out to your friends to seek out some validation and sympathy only to be greeted with being stonewalled, ghosted, or flat out spoken to with disdain. You now have a double whammy to deal with as it seems all of your friends suddenly turned against you exactly like your significant other.
After you get diregarded a few times you might even get desperate and beg for one of them to tell you what is going on because literally no one will tell you a damn thing and you are clueless as to why everyone has suddenly won’t speak to you.
You may have spent hours sifting through memories ruminating on every single detail trying to figure out what you could have done that would literally cause everyone you care about to abandon you. The absolute worst part is they won’t tell you why.
Well, maybe one of them will be brave enough to say something to you and you’ll get your first glimpse of the truth. ‘Well, what did you expect after you’ve been so hard on him/her for the last year.’ your friend says to you very sharply before they hang up the phone.
Shocked, you process the new information and it slowly dawns on you that your ex had told your friends that you have been mistreating him/her for a year. Then the enormiity of the deception begins to sink in. Your ex has been bad mouthing you to all these people for a year and they’ve politely pretended to be your friend while silently judging you as an abusive jerk.
Then the ruminations really begin. You start sifting through all of the memories, going all the way back to the beginning, looking for that missing link, the catalyst of things going south.
If you’re lucky you’ll realize that over the time you’d known your ex they had weeded out any of your firends that were loyal to you and your friends pool was realy his/her friends and you were the plus one.
If you’re unlucky and you don’t make the connection then you may ask yourself over and over what could it be finally landing on ‘well, maybe it was me.’
If you are that person that asked yourself if it was you then I hope this message really resonates with you and that you hear me crystal clear — it’s the nature of the abuse to leave you with the blame.
The way they gaslight, retell a twisted version of events and preplan their exit way in advance to make sure that they are the victim and you are the horrible person, it is all by design to leave you in the end thinking you were the problem.
Anyone that can desert you on a whim and has been preparing your friends and family for you to be the villain by bashing you months before you split up is insidicous and disgusting. You certainly were not the problem.
The Secret to Making It Work with a Covert Narcissist Photo by Randy Jacob on Unsplash If you are someone that is in love with your covert narcissist then there is one secret tactic that you’ll absolutely need to have in place if you are going to last any length of time with your self-esteem and self-worth intact. You love your narcissist. You love it when we make you feel special and you feel like you are elevated when you are with us. Like the two of us form an elite team that is better than everyone and you’re proud to be part of something so awesome that it makes you feel great. We have an energy and a presence when we enter into any room and it seems like people want to hear what we have to say - they seem value you a little more for some reason and it seems like they look up to us in some way because of our relationship.. It’s all very strange but somewhat intoxicating as well. Its the illusion that you buy into. The only problem is that Ineed to pick apart the things that you
Are there other ways in which narcissistic rage manifests besides yelling and arguing? Photo by Kristina Flour on Unsplash Yes, the rage can manifest itself in the worst way imaginable. Silence. But oh no, not the silence you they use as punishment during a normal drag you down cycle. This one is special. In the immediate moments after a narcissistic injury is sustained and their emotions become dysregulated there can almost be a frantic grasping at reasons and connecting of events to outcomes that never even occurred all with the sole purpose of offloading as much fault and blame onto you as possible. Its almost like the shame meter hits a tipping point and there is an overspilling of shame that has to go somewhere so it is going to you. You will be blamed for things that you were not even present for and deals/agreements made will be completely spun another way to place you as a doer of wrongs. You might get told to never talk to them again or they will file a restraining order on
Why is there an addiction to narcissistic partners? This is just my personal theory on the topic as I’ve thought a lot about variances of this question and my own situation. This is what I have come up with as to why: Enmeshment - enmeshment often gets spoken about from the abusers perspective. Where they purposefully inject themselves into someone else's life and take control and influence over everything and using it as a means to isolate them from their supports. There is a different version of enmeshment that occurs with narcissism that has the narcissist get their significant other into all of the aspects within the narcissists life. So, they assign them duties and tasks that are integrated right into the narcissists life. These keep getting added on as the relationship continues and more and more of these aspects of the narcissists life becomes the significant others responsibility. It can get to the point where the significant other has no time at all for the things they
Gaslighting — The Rewriting of History Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash I would suspect that if you are aware of gas lighting then you’re aware of how most abusers use it to try to get out of trouble and to try to flip the script so that you’re the one that is on defense. They try to make it so that they never have to feel that shame and they never have to be the bad guy. They can be the perpetual victim and they can always be the one telling the sob story for the sympathy hit, or they can be the justified avenger that finally had enough. In all cases you’re the bad guy and they are the good guy but, it’s petty enough and childish enough that it doesn’t really effect you, despite the annoyance of someone denying what you know to be true. True gaslighting is much more insidious than that. If you’re truly the target of someone with real malintent in mind then this person will sadistically try to break you down mentally and emotionally with the ultimate goal of complete control over
Dark Psychology There are many different psychological mechanisms that are present in society on a daily basis. These mechanism utilize a person's fears and their ability to interpret messages that their aggressor wishes for them to have. Everywhere from the office to the club, to your very own home, you are subjected to various forms of manipulation from people. Manipulation has a bad rap. People believe that manipulation is a bad thing because of how it makes them feel when they find out that they have been manipulated. People get upset because it makes them feel like a lesser person, like they have been victimized in some way, and often like they are not intelligent. Manipulation can be used for good purposes however. In the case of a newborn baby the very first thing it learns how to do in order to survive is to cry. By crying they trigger their mother to come and take care of their needs. They learn this extremely quick and it is a normal behavior
Is it good to be a psychopath? Photo by Sivani Bandaru on Unsplash People often treat psychopathy like it’s some type of super power. As if it makes for a superior human being because of the lack of fear and the inability to manipulate them through emotional appeals. Sure, they have an edge when it comes to escalating things as nothing scares them so they naturally are able to keep cranking up the stakes until you can’t escalate anymore. That is an advantage. Taking things to the extreme is what they are good at, while ensuring that they are in a power position over whomever they are dealing with. If they can’t be in a power position then they’ll never get involved. This is why it’s so hard to beat a psychopath. If you’re in a winner takes all situation you can bet that they feel like they have some edge on you so you need to think really hard about what is going on in order to see why they feel that way, or else you’ll find yourself screwed in the end. The psychopath is the expert i
Laws Against Narcissism Photo by Tingey Injury Law Firm on Unsplash Judiciary Law This is a tough issue to grapple with as a whole but there is a very specific reason as to why there can’t be laws against narcissistic abuse and by connection conviction for insidious narcissistic abuse. Okay, first — why this can’t be done. There are laws in place already which cover narcissistic abuse. They are called laws. They apply to narcissists and regular people, and they are to be applied without bias and to the appropriate extent as interpreted by a judge often by past precedent. The crux of this problem is simplified like this: A regular person is found guilty of manslaughter and goes to jail for 5 years A narcissist is found guilty of manslaughter and goes to jail for what? 8 years? Why would narcissistic manslaughter be worth more than regular manslaughter? What’s the difference that would necessitate a longer sentence? We have laws against attacking someone, we have laws against murder, st
What you need to know about Codependency Photo by Morgan Housel on Usplash Attachment Style Codependency roots from an attachment trauma that a child received in their early years. There are many different causes for attachment trauma ranging from neglect, to child abuse, to the main caregiver becoming ill or hurt, necessity for survival (working for food), to the baby itself being sick or in a lot of pain. Codependency typically accompanies an anxious style of attachment. It is the inverse of narcissism because the narcissists attachment trauma typically manifests itself in an avoidant attachment style. Once a child has an anxious attachment style — if they have any instability at home or some perceived threat to their security they will often move into a people pleaser role growing up. They will attempt to take care of the needs of their caregiver or to avert disturbing temper flares by catering to them and by being the good child at the beckon call of the parent. Arise my People P
How is a narcissist affected by someone who rejects them romantically? Photo by Warren on Unsplash I have a slightly different take on this one than most people. Usually, people believe that narcissists think that they're God's gift to the earth which they do create that aura around them. They do talk like they believe it and they do act like they believe it. So as a result, people believe that why narcissists react so horribly to the rejection of a romantic interest is because they cannot accept that somebody wouldn't want them. I believe it's the other way around. I believe that for the vast majority of narcissists their fear of rejection is rooted in their childhood. They are actually hurt when they're acting this way because it actually touches a core wound of theirs around rejection. It touches that wound around why they actually have low self-esteem and don't believe in themselves. This is the true route of why they can't let it go. The other ones
What are the weak spots on a malignant covert narcissist and how might they be exploited? Photo by Erik Mclean on Unsplash What I'm about to stay here only applies to those people that are malignant narcissists that do not get violent. This is not applicable to anybody that has a history of violence or has the propensity to become violent. With a malignant narcissist, just like with the other narcissistic subtypes their issue and blind spots are all self-esteem related. All of their motives and actions are self-esteem related. Their weak spots are self-esteem related. If you want to harm them you have to target their self-esteem. You have to target embarrassment. You have to make them feel bad about themselves in a way that they can't deflect it. One thing that works well is public embarrassment by bringing up their failures or flaws openly. Their defenses will not work in this situation as they can't deflect other people's opinion of them. Their weak spot is in how
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