The Wreckage of the Narcissist Photo by Marek Piwnicki on Unsplash Narcissism is insidious. Here you are cruising through life on a highway and things are going pretty good. There is the odd curve every now and then but it’s no problem for you to navigate through them. You feel quite confident you have this life driving thing figured out. Then one day you meet someone who creates this whirlwind of a situation when you first get together. It’s exciting, it makes you feel alive and excited. Your car is now speeding on that highway, but boy does it feel good to throw caution to the wind and push down that gas pedal. After a while, they start growing complacent with their ‘be on best behavior so the little potholes in the road that were there when they were testing you in the beginning have now turned almost crater like from their random temper outbursts. Still, the potholes aren’t all that common and you can typically steer around them, so you aren’t bothered by those red flags too m
Did The Narcissist Target You From The Start Just To Destroy You?
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Did The Narcissist Target You From The Start Just To Destroy You?
I have a bit of a different take on the narcissist relationship cycle than the typical writer which those writers tend to come from an angle that the entire relationship was planned and predatory, which just isn’t true except in a the odd case.
For the most part narcissists are completely unaware of their disorder. This is quite often a main part of the disorder in that a narcissist needs to see themselves as perfect. It’s absolutely critical to their ego that they see themselves as perfect and as such, they spend a lot of time sizing up everyone around them and looking for flaws that prove they are indeed better than this other person.
Narcissists have a natural set of blinders on to their own actions and behaviors due to this need to see themselves as perfect. They always find a way to justify the horrific things they do by shifting blame onto the other party.
This blame shift is absolutely critical for their perception of themselves. They have to see themselves as perfect so being held accountable for misdeeds simply is not in the cards.
Narcissists will use every means of defense to avoid taking blame for anything. This is because if they do end up cornered and unable to shuffle off the blame to somewhere else then having to look at their own actions is crippling to them.
They will see themselves as flawed and due to their polarized black and white thinking, if they see themselves as flawed then they are worthless garbage which, that notion can send them into a crippling suicidal depression. So to them, it literally feels like their life is at stake when you try to corner them on their behavior.
This defensive adaptation is their only way to defend themselves against a threat and threats to their ego feel like assaults on their life and they will defend themselves accordingly.
So, in a relationship when it first starts off they end up becoming infatuated with an extreme right away and they believe this feeling of infatuation is indeed what love feels like. So, they really do think of the world of you when you first get together and their infatuation and idealization blinds them to who you really are.
They create a fantasy version of you in their heads and as long as you are playing that part then everything will continue to go well. Once you tell them ‘no’ or let them down somehow though, you’ll find that good demeanor is short lived.
After they have their ego hurt you may find that you get unceremoniously dumped, dumped hard, and with a cold malevolence. Remember they feel like they are fighting for their lives, not that they’ll ever admit that.
You on the other hand end up shocked at a person that yesterday they professed their undying love to you and today they acted as though you were Hitler and were so cold and callous you never would have believed it had you not experienced it.
So, they don’t plan by staking you out with the objective of the breakup just to shatter you in a premeditated attack. On the contrary, at first they think you are their real true love.
They actually will be extremely angry with you after you create that first narcissistic injury because you aren’t the person they imagined you to be. Not being the way they imagined further lets them down and as a result of this dysregulation, they will punish you. They feel tricked and exposed by you and they may even call you a narcissist as they disappear and ghost you.
In the end, narcissists are only capable of a short shallow infatuation style love because they aren’t prepared to go any deeper. They won’t make themselves vulnerable to truly open their heart to you. So, they’ll never actually love you — but they will be infatuated with you until either the infatuation wears off or you stand your ground and hurt their ego.
The Secret to Making It Work with a Covert Narcissist Photo by Randy Jacob on Unsplash If you are someone that is in love with your covert narcissist then there is one secret tactic that you’ll absolutely need to have in place if you are going to last any length of time with your self-esteem and self-worth intact. You love your narcissist. You love it when we make you feel special and you feel like you are elevated when you are with us. Like the two of us form an elite team that is better than everyone and you’re proud to be part of something so awesome that it makes you feel great. We have an energy and a presence when we enter into any room and it seems like people want to hear what we have to say - they seem value you a little more for some reason and it seems like they look up to us in some way because of our relationship.. It’s all very strange but somewhat intoxicating as well. Its the illusion that you buy into. The only problem is that Ineed to pick apart the things that you
Are there other ways in which narcissistic rage manifests besides yelling and arguing? Photo by Kristina Flour on Unsplash Yes, the rage can manifest itself in the worst way imaginable. Silence. But oh no, not the silence you they use as punishment during a normal drag you down cycle. This one is special. In the immediate moments after a narcissistic injury is sustained and their emotions become dysregulated there can almost be a frantic grasping at reasons and connecting of events to outcomes that never even occurred all with the sole purpose of offloading as much fault and blame onto you as possible. Its almost like the shame meter hits a tipping point and there is an overspilling of shame that has to go somewhere so it is going to you. You will be blamed for things that you were not even present for and deals/agreements made will be completely spun another way to place you as a doer of wrongs. You might get told to never talk to them again or they will file a restraining order on
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Dark Psychology There are many different psychological mechanisms that are present in society on a daily basis. These mechanism utilize a person's fears and their ability to interpret messages that their aggressor wishes for them to have. Everywhere from the office to the club, to your very own home, you are subjected to various forms of manipulation from people. Manipulation has a bad rap. People believe that manipulation is a bad thing because of how it makes them feel when they find out that they have been manipulated. People get upset because it makes them feel like a lesser person, like they have been victimized in some way, and often like they are not intelligent. Manipulation can be used for good purposes however. In the case of a newborn baby the very first thing it learns how to do in order to survive is to cry. By crying they trigger their mother to come and take care of their needs. They learn this extremely quick and it is a normal behavior
Is it good to be a psychopath? Photo by Sivani Bandaru on Unsplash People often treat psychopathy like it’s some type of super power. As if it makes for a superior human being because of the lack of fear and the inability to manipulate them through emotional appeals. Sure, they have an edge when it comes to escalating things as nothing scares them so they naturally are able to keep cranking up the stakes until you can’t escalate anymore. That is an advantage. Taking things to the extreme is what they are good at, while ensuring that they are in a power position over whomever they are dealing with. If they can’t be in a power position then they’ll never get involved. This is why it’s so hard to beat a psychopath. If you’re in a winner takes all situation you can bet that they feel like they have some edge on you so you need to think really hard about what is going on in order to see why they feel that way, or else you’ll find yourself screwed in the end. The psychopath is the expert i
Laws Against Narcissism Photo by Tingey Injury Law Firm on Unsplash Judiciary Law This is a tough issue to grapple with as a whole but there is a very specific reason as to why there can’t be laws against narcissistic abuse and by connection conviction for insidious narcissistic abuse. Okay, first — why this can’t be done. There are laws in place already which cover narcissistic abuse. They are called laws. They apply to narcissists and regular people, and they are to be applied without bias and to the appropriate extent as interpreted by a judge often by past precedent. The crux of this problem is simplified like this: A regular person is found guilty of manslaughter and goes to jail for 5 years A narcissist is found guilty of manslaughter and goes to jail for what? 8 years? Why would narcissistic manslaughter be worth more than regular manslaughter? What’s the difference that would necessitate a longer sentence? We have laws against attacking someone, we have laws against murder, st
What you need to know about Codependency Photo by Morgan Housel on Usplash Attachment Style Codependency roots from an attachment trauma that a child received in their early years. There are many different causes for attachment trauma ranging from neglect, to child abuse, to the main caregiver becoming ill or hurt, necessity for survival (working for food), to the baby itself being sick or in a lot of pain. Codependency typically accompanies an anxious style of attachment. It is the inverse of narcissism because the narcissists attachment trauma typically manifests itself in an avoidant attachment style. Once a child has an anxious attachment style — if they have any instability at home or some perceived threat to their security they will often move into a people pleaser role growing up. They will attempt to take care of the needs of their caregiver or to avert disturbing temper flares by catering to them and by being the good child at the beckon call of the parent. Arise my People P
How is a narcissist affected by someone who rejects them romantically? Photo by Warren on Unsplash I have a slightly different take on this one than most people. Usually, people believe that narcissists think that they're God's gift to the earth which they do create that aura around them. They do talk like they believe it and they do act like they believe it. So as a result, people believe that why narcissists react so horribly to the rejection of a romantic interest is because they cannot accept that somebody wouldn't want them. I believe it's the other way around. I believe that for the vast majority of narcissists their fear of rejection is rooted in their childhood. They are actually hurt when they're acting this way because it actually touches a core wound of theirs around rejection. It touches that wound around why they actually have low self-esteem and don't believe in themselves. This is the true route of why they can't let it go. The other ones
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